What is the one thing that ruins your life?

Photo by Max Larochelle on Unsplash

There is one thing that has the power to completely destroy your life. This thing looks so innocent, so nice, so comfortable, so familiar. It is like a tiny little something in the back of our minds that we all have and we all have been hurt by, have suffered and have reproduced it multiple times... and this thing is called : expectations!

We have all been there – something is about to happen in our life, it could be an event, a person's action / reaction, a trip... We thought about it for such a long time, put so much energy into it, so many hopes, we dreamed about it... and then, it all crashes down like a house of cards. We feel disappointed, we become pessimistic, we don't want to believe in positive results anymore. People around us say “I told you!”, we feel like crap, so stupid. Oh, it is terrible! So much pain... for nothing. Only, because we had some expectations about a certain outcome.

We wanted so badly that this person calls us back, we were pretty sure they would do it and they did not. We “knew” that we were meant to get this job and smash it all, and when we did not, it was like our whole world fell apart. We wanted so much to go to this country because everybody was telling us how it was going to change our life and then, it only changed the size of our wallet. We thought that buying this house, having a family and that much money will make us happy, and when we got them all, we realized that they did not. We think that our partner has to remember our anniversary and if he/she does not, we think that they don't appreciate us enough or even worse, they don't love us and don't care about us enough.

These are all examples of how we all have some sort of expectations in our life and how when they don't come to life, we feel really disappointed, sad, discouraged, demotivated, without any hope... we feel lost, maybe even ashamed that we could have thought all these things.

I have struggled with this “expectations issue” for many years and I am still struggling sometimes. As I have already said in some of my previous blog posts How do your dreams change your life and the world? and Why is reading books important?, I have always been a big dreamer and an idealist. Always, thinking, dreaming and, unfortunately, expecting the best possible outcomes of a situation. This is why for many years I thought that being a dreamer is a really bad thing, but actually, my dreams and hopes were not the problem. The real problem were my expectations. I was expecting that certain things will happen. I was almost sure, pretty sure... sure. And when what I had thought was a certain result, did not happen, I was always very very disappointed and sad for a long time, thinking that negative things always happen to me, that I am not lucky or that maybe I am not smart enough, proactive enough, thoughtful enough... that I am not enough in general. It was the same with people. Often, I would expect people to act in a certain way (my way), not realizing that what is right for me, it is not right for everybody else or that not everybody thinks like me. Expecting something from someone is, in some way, trying to control people and tell them what to do and what not to do. And we don't have this kind of power. We only have power on our personal thoughts and actions / reactions.

So, what are expectations ?

Expectations are when we have an emotional attachment to a certain outcome that is out of our control.

Emotional attachment is when we think that something (a situation, a person, an event) will make us happy, fulfilled, interesting, strong, powerful, attractive. We are emotionally attached to one and only outcome. This is the outcome that will satisfy us. We put all our thoughts and energy into it. We dream about it, we think about it all the time. Actually, we take it “too seriously”. Like if it does not happen the way we want it, this would be the end of the world. One advice : never take anything in life too seriously, otherwise, you sentence yourself to life-long disappointments. This is actually why disappointment exists – because we have expectations.

The disappointment is the result of the expectation that did not work out.

So, if we don't want to be disappointed, we just don't have to have any expectations which means not be personally attached to a certain outcome. Realizing that what happens in life is just a simple fact not good nor bad, that failure and success don't exist and only people put some subjective definitions to them, really helps to change our perception of what happens to us in life. Every situation could be a good one if we want to find something positive in it. And every situation can be a bad one, if we only focus on the negative part (which exists even in “good” situations).

So, we need to realize that the way we see the world around us, our mindset, is very important, if we want to be truly happy in life. Expectations always lead to a disappointment. Always. Even if you get the result you wished for, you will never get it the way you thought you would get it. Once, I watch an interview with Joe Dispenza who was saying that “things never happen in life the way we thought they would”. This is because “we need to be surprised”. We need to be shaken. We need to be ready for the unexpected. There is always something we did not think about. We need to let go of this desire to have control over everything. Sometimes, very often actually, we just need to do the work and to let go.

The moment we put our whole energy on one particular thing, on one particular result, this is where everything messes up.

By putting our thoughts and energy on one possible outcome, we give it a great and also an unnecessary power.

The power to control our feelings and emotions, our level of self-esteem. And if you think for a minute, it is quite silly to give this great power to a something or someone else but you. You are the one who has the control over your emotions and feelings. And only you can make yourself feel good about life. For this, we need to work constantly on ourselves. We need to learn, to “fail” and to learn again, to never give up and to keep going, to believe in our personal strength. Because if we don't do it, nobody else would.

When we hang on our expectations, we actually live for the final outcome, instead of living for the process, for the path that leads to it. We live for this promotion, for this person to love us, for another one to like us, for this new outfit to make us pretty. We constantly look for something to fill an empty space in our hearts. We are not sure about something / someone or ourselves. We are scared. We have doubts.

With expectations, we actually seek validation and we believe that certain things around us (out of us) will make us happy and fulfilled. Our expectations are our fears and insecurities.

If I expect my spouse to bring me flowers every week because my colleague's spouse does it, and unfortunately, mine does not, I can start thinking that he does not love me, he doesn't care enough, he is not putting enough effort into our relationship and so on. I am feeling insecure about our future and I am scared that he will leave me. It is a whole different story if I am ok with it because I know that he is not into flowers but he does many other things that show me his love. Actually, by having expectations we are seeking proofs. We are looking for things that will prove us that something is the way we want it to be, things that will prove us our worth.

Are expectations and hopes the same thing?

Many people think that having expectations is like having hopes. And not having any expectations means not having any hopes. For me, this is a complete misunderstanding and misconception of the two notions.

Having hopes is something that everybody should have in their life. This is what motivates us and give us the strength and the courage to move on. Having hopes is the most natural thing in the world. We all hope for a better life, for a better world, for a better society, for a better future. The difference with expectations is that we don't put all our energy and focus on them in an unhealthy sinking way.

Expectation is when you think blindly and foolishly that something will happen and somehow, you are almost sure about it. If it does not, you are devastated. Hopes is when you would like something to happen, when you believe that is going to happen, when you have faith, and at the same time, you know that if it does not, it will suck, but you will be fine.

Personally, I think that expectations have a really negative impact on people's live and mind, instead of hopes, which are positive, give energy and make us have faith and trust in the future and that the best is yet to come.

Expectations come from a place of scarcity and doubt, where hopes come from a place of belief and faith.

However, I believe that dealing with expectations is a part of everyone's path to self-discovery. This is how we learn what affects us in a positive way and what in a negative one. It is true that expectations show us what our flaws, deepest fears and wounds are, but at the same time show us what is important to us, what matters to us, what kind of life we would like to have one day, how we want to be treated, what we think we deserve. If we only pay attention to them, we could learn so much about ourselves. And if we are ready to work towards a better self, we can also see our strong and weak spots, and what actually we should work on in order to become this great person with this amazing life we have always imagined.

Where is the real power?

The great power is when you come to a point where you can be able to hope for the best but to be prepared for the worst. When you are not emotionally attached to a certain result. When you know that even if something does not work the way you wanted, you will be fine and something better is going to come in your life. We all have the ultimate truth deep inside our hearts. There is the real power – in our heart. We all know when something feels right and when it does not. We all know that sunny days come and go. We don't need proofs that we matter, that we are smart enough, good enough, capable enough, pretty enough. We just need to believe in ourselves and to have faith. We will still feel pain but it will be much easier to move forward. When you shift the way you look at the world and at negative situations, you will also shift your whole reality. When you start seeing the pain like a way to grow and to evolve, you realize that it is all a matter of perception and of mindset. When you expect something to happen and it did not, know that something way greater is on its way to you and you don't even expect it. Keep it up. Love, Elena