The art of successful conflict management.

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Arguments are a part of life. Unfortunately, we can't avoid them. Nobody likes conflicts, but sometimes it is necessary to go through them. It could be with our relatives, spouse, friends, colleagues… it is normal to argue, to have different points of view and to disagree. The truth always lies somewhere in the middle.

Actually, many people see arguing like something negative, bad and something that we definitely have to avoid. Many of us are still very scared of saying what they really think because it won't match with other people's views, it could get complicated, people will start fighting, yelling, getting angry... better not say anything at all and just agree with everybody! It is safer! I could not disagree more with this. I find it even sad. It is really silly that so many people prefer to not speak up and sometimes even suffer or support things they should not.

It is more than normal that people disagree and have conflicts. Most of the time we interact with people who don't think like we do, who have different personal and professional experiences and we will think differently. And this is great! We can learn so much from each other exactly because of this reason. However, sometimes differences can be a reason for big fights and arguments between people. This could be very destructive for their relationship, but also for their future (personal if we talk about a personal relationship or professional, if the argument is between colleagues / with your boss). If the maintaining of our relationship is our priority, it is more than important to try to work it out. But how do we do it?

In my job, I have to work with people who are very different from each other – volunteers with completely different profiles, people who live in extreme poverty, people who have never gone to school... Even my co-workers are very different – we all have different degrees and come from different social and professional backgrounds. And yes, very often we disagree and we argue. And this could be very stressful, demotivating and discouraging when it is not done the right way. When you have the feeling to talk to a wall with no response from the other person.

Last year, I had a couple of co-workers with whom I just could not get along. We were arguing all the time. It was mentally exhausting. I could not sleep well, I could not work well, I was eating junk food because I was stressed and honestly, I was really unhappy. Bad relationships at work could completely destroy people's personal balance and joy for life. We don't want to go to work because we don't want to see our colleagues, we are not focused, we feel miserable and maybe even lost. It is the same with personal / romantic relationships except the fact that we have to live with our partner (which makes the situation even worse). So it is very important to know how to deal with this kind of situations in the best possible way for everybody.

I think that arguing can be a positive thing when it is done the right way. It could be a very powerful tool to learn how to communicate better, how to express our thoughts clearer and how to improve our relationships (personal and professional). The thing is that first, we need to know how to do it in a way that will be beneficial for everybody.

One thing that I personally find fundamental is to know that when something is wrong, we need to speak up. We never have to suppress our feelings and to tell ourselves that everything is going great when it is obviously not. Do not avoid difficult conversations only because you are scared of people's reaction or you are scared of destroying the relationship. It is far better that a bad relationship ends than to continue and make you even more miserable and depressed.

So, here I share with you my 15 secrets to successful conflict management and problem solving that will make your relationship with yourself and with others better and you - a great problem solver. You can use these tips in your personal life, but also at work with your colleagues and your boss.

Do not avoid the problem, face it!

It is not easy to accept the existence of a conflictual situation. It is even frightening. Especially, when the person you are in conflict with is someone that you love and appreciate. Facing the problem and saying out loud that something is wrong, makes us scared about the future. We are scared of losing the people we love by destroying our relationship, we are scared of losing our job, if we are in a conflict with a colleague or our boss. The future is uncertain. This is why many people prefer to not say anything and be miserable, unhappy and desperate. It is safer to keep it that way.

But you need to know that when something is off, when there is a problem and you don't feel good about it, you need to recognize it. Don't avoid it! Don't neglect what is obvious! Don't be scared! Yes, maybe you will lose your job, maybe the relationship will end. From my experience, I can tell you that all things come to an end – good or bad. And when something is bad and even toxic for you and makes you feel low, it is better to end as soon as possible. No regrets! Everything happens for a reason and something better will come along! Believe me!

Think how you feel about the situation and why.

So after you recognized the fact that there is an issue with a particular person (your partner, friend, family member, co-worker...), now you have to understand why you feel the way you feel. What is exactly the problem – is it the other person's behavior? Did they do something? Did they say something that hurt you? How do you feel about the situation and the person? Do you feel anger, rage, disappointment, sadness, that you have been let down, not appreciated... ? All these questions will help you understand your feelings and emotions before actually jump into conclusions and accusing the other person for everything. This will help you to find the root cause of the problem.

Sometimes we suffer and we are angry with someone because of our ego. For example, our partner who talks to another person for a long time and we feel rejected. Actually, we feel this way because we want his/her attention and we don't have it, we are being jealous, we want to be the center of his/her attention. This is our ego waking up, not our partner who is being rude to us. You can also read this article Why is feeling bad good for you? that will help you understand why sometimes we feel bad and how this could be actually a very positive thing.

Calm down and choose the right time to talk.

This is a very important step. Before having a difficult conversation with another person, first, you have to calm down. This is very tough for me, as I am a very emotional and spontaneous person, but I am working on it. It is far better to take a few deep breaths, to think about the situation and your feelings and then, to talk. Often, in our anger we say things that we don't want to say and we don't mean. Many times I said things to very close to me people that hurt them and I did not mean to do that. I regretted at that very moment, but it was too late. So, take your time, calm down and think before you talk. Do not let your emotions and feelings take control over you!

Also, choose a good time to have the conversation – when you see that the other person is not in a rush, is not already angry about something else, when he/she has enough time to listen to you and to talk to you.

Listen.

Once I read somewhere that if we just start listening more to what people say, we will change the world and make it a better place. It is true that we don't listen enough. Everybody wants to say what they think, what they feel, what is their problem and rarely take the time to actually listen what the others' concerns are. So, let the other person talk. Let them tell you what they think and what they feel. Do not interrupt them and just listen. Stay focused. If you listen carefully, you will be able to find the real reason why they are doing what they are doing.

Sometimes, people can be angry with us just because they think that we don't listen to them, that we don't pay attention to what they say or to theirs problems. This could be itself a reason for an argument. So, listen more and pay attention to what people say to you. They will rarely say something that they don't think.

Avoid personal attacks. Be empathetic.

I did law studies and then a two-year specialization in mediation and pacific problem solving. From what I saw until now, when there is a conflict between two or more people, the fault is always for the both parties. There is never only one person who did something wrong and has to take the whole blame. If there is a conflict, it is the both parties' fault! Remember this!

So, think about it and don't jump into judgments, criticism or personal attacks, because it is also your fault! Think objectively about the situation. What did you do or say that might made the other react in a certain way? It does not have to be something wrong or bad, but it might made the other feel uncomfortable. Try to put yourself at the other person's place and be empathetic. Maybe they are going through something difficult and this is the only way they can deal with what they are experiencing right now. This is not an excuse, but we need to understand that some people just don't know how to handle certain situations and can hurt people, because they feel insecure about themselves. This is also a reminder for you to see that even when we think that we do something right, maybe we don't or at least, not for the other person.

Identify the causes of the problem, not the symptoms.

This is a difficult one. Most of the people see the symptoms of a problem but not the real cause. I will take back the example of your partner who talks to another person. You get angry because you think that he/she should pay more attention to you and less to other people. You have to be in the center. The thing is that you actually feel insecure about his/her feelings and this is why you crave his/her attention. The fact that they talk to another person and don't pay attention to you is the symptom of the problem and the root cause is your insecurity about theirs feelings for you. Let's take an argument with your boss. Your boss tells you all the time that you don't do well your job. You of course disagree. This makes you feel angry and maybe you even start disliking your boss. This is the symptom. Where is the root cause of the issue? That you actually feel unappreciated, stupid, not good or capable enough of doing a good job. You don't believe enough in your own capabilities and skills. You feel insecure about how you do your job. It is not your boss who makes you feel this way, it is you from the very start feeling that you don't do well enough. Think about it!

The thing is that without finding the main cause of the problem, you can never fix it. You can try to fix the symptoms like changing your partner or your job, but you will face the same problems with other people. If you feel insecure about yourself you will find sooner or later another person who will trigger again these wounds of yours and you will reproduce the previous situations and end up having the same issues.

Bad communication ruins everything!

Maybe 90% of all conflicts are due to bad communication. People often don't know how to express clearly theirs thoughts and end up saying things that they don't actually mean or think. Knowing how to be specific and clear about what is in our mind and expressing our feelings in a comprehensive for everybody way is not an easy thing. These are skills that we learn during our whole lifetime.

So, when you have an argument with someone, try your best to express your thoughts in a clear way. Follow the previous steps. That will help you. Do not speak before thinking what you are going to say and how. Examine your feelings and emotions and look for their root cause. Use simple words to explain what you think and feel. Also, try to talk about YOU, how YOU feel and what bothers YOU. Avoid talking about the other person. Use more “I” than “You” - I feel this way, I am angry, I am disappointed, I said that, I am confused... and so on. Do not forget that we can only talk about ourselves and how we feel. We can not know what is on the other person's mind and how they feel. So, stay focus only on yourself and on your own state of mind.

Paraphrase.

Paraphrasing is a powerful tool when it comes to problem solving. As I said in the previous step, most of the arguments people have are based on bad communication. People just don't understand each other. Literally! Sometimes we want to say the same things, but we use different words which creates confusion and fights. Paraphrasing is very helpful in this case. It prevents misunderstandings. So when the other person says something, you can just say “So, if I understand right, you want to say that...”, “you say that... does this mean that...?” “Do you want to say that...”. Also, make some repetitions of what the other person just said to be sure that you really heard and understood exactly what they meant.

Do not try to change the other person's opinion.

It is pointless to try to change one's opinion about anything. People believe in what they believe and no one can change this but themselves. Your job is to care about your opinion and about what you think, not about what the others think. So, stay focus on your personal beliefs and visions. People will change when they are ready, when the right time comes. This is a personal process that does not need to be rushed. Maybe they will never change their opinion about you or the situation. It does not matter. Think about yourself!

A mediator is always a good option.

As I have a degree in social and legal mediation, I can not go through this topic without talking about mediation and peaceful problem solving. A mediator is normally a professional who can help you solve your problem in a pacific way (in law that means without going to Court). If you don't have the money to pay for a professional mediator or you think that your issue is not so big and important to hire someone to help you, you can ask a friend or another person to be your mediator, to be the link between you and the person you argue with. What is important to know is that the mediator has to be neutral. He/she does not have to take sides! This is one of the reasons why mediation and pacific problem solving work so well. So, choose carefully. If you experience a conflictual situation at your work place, then, it is more likely to meet a professional who can help solving the problem, as the company must provide the best environment for its employees. A neutral person who is not at all involved in the conflict can give you a clear vision about it, about the root causes and how you can move forward in the best possible way for the both parties. So, think about it!

Try to make a plan. Together.

After you talked out the situation, your feelings, your fears and the other person as well, you need to make a plan for the future if you still want to save the relationship. Be specific. Try to find some solutions together and be as clear as possible. For example “The next time you talk to other people, you can introduce me”. It is very important to decide what you are both going to do from now on and to stick to it. This also means that you and the other person trust each other to make this work and to make the effort to save and improve your relationship. This step makes you realize where you have been wrong and where the other person has and allows you to move the relationship to a whole new level of trust and bond.

It is important to move on.

You have to know that whatever happens after the argument, everything will be different. I know this is scary, but this is how it is and believe me, it is a good thing. It is always for the best! You may have to make compromise and start doing things that you don't completely enjoy, but if your relationship with the other is important to you, it is worth it. It is crucial to learn the lessons from the conflict and to move on. This will definitely help you in the future in your relationships with other people. Do not get stuck in thoughts about what you had to say or did not have to say and what you had to do, but it is too late. In any case, at this stage, it is already in the past, so think about the future and move on something else.

Be patient.

Patience is the cure for many problems. Every good thing takes time. There is no such thing like an over night success, personal or professional. It takes time and hard work. So, be patient with the other person and with yourself. Understand that sometimes a relationship needs time to grow. People need time to think about the situation, theirs feelings and what they really want. Do not be too hard on yourself or on the other person. You have to know one very important thing – people never go out of a conflict the same. There is always something that has changed in them. Be patient and you will see the results in yourself and in the other person.

Apologize.

This is a very difficult step for many of us, but it is fundamental. As I said, if we have a conflict tist means that both you and the other person did something “wrong”. Maybe you don't see your fault, but if you ask your mate, he/she will definitely point it out for you. So, even if you think that you did not do anything wrong, apologize, say “I am sorry”. It is not so difficult. If people say “sorry” more often, I truly believe that the world will become a better place. Do not be scared of saying this word. This means that you accept the fact that you messed up somewhere somehow and you want to change that. You accept that you are not perfect and that everybody makes mistakes. You want to be better. So, learn to say “sorry” more often.

At the end, after all I said, we don't have to forget that a conflict can be solved only if the two parties want to work on their relationship. If one of them does not, it is a waste of time and energy to make things work because they will not. Only when two people believe in the future of their partnership (personal or professional) they can work on it. They can invest time and energy. As I already said, after a conflict, we never leave the room the same. We are a different person. We can learn so much about ourselves and relationships through conflicts. It is not a beautiful way of learning, but sometimes it is the only one. We see ourselves through the spectrum of the other. We see that we are not perfect. That we still have our wounds that we need to work on. We see that good things in life happen when we work hard for them. When we invest our time, emotions, heart and soul... and we need to be patient. We will not see the great results immediately. Sometimes we will be completely desperate thinking that we are wasting our time, but then... magic happens. It is scary to engage a difficult conversation talking about issues, but do not forget that you do it first and most important for yourself, for your own peace of mind and happiness. Do not underestimate that. This is an investment in your personal growth. You should be your only priority in life! If a relationship ends, it is for the best. It makes space for a better one to come into your life. Just believe it, but do not forget that it takes time. Love, Elena