Why is feeling bad good for you?

Photo by Sharon Mccutheon on Unsplash

In today's society we talk a lot about positive thinking and how we should always feel good and positive, how even when life sucks we should be happy because otherwise we are going to attract even worse things in our lives. People are so scared of feeling bad or of admitting it, that they prefer to put a fake smile on their face and pretend to be someone they are not. This is so sad! I really can not understand why nowadays every “negative” feeling is taken as a “bad” feeling. Some people are ashamed that they feel sad, depressed or angry. It kind of feels like you are not good enough, you don't know how to have control on your life and on your emotions or at least this is what the society makes us believe.

I remember how a couple of weeks ago, I got angry because of something that was bordering me at work and one of my colleagues almost shouted at me because I was angry and for her, this is inappropriate. Sorry, but let say it clear – everybody gets angry from time to time (of course, we don't talk about aggressive and violent anger but more of an annoyance). It is a normal feeling and I don't think that I have to feel bad because I got annoyed. Everybody does sometimes and I am so fed up with these people who make you believe that because you are sad or annoyed, something is definitely wrong with you. I think that something is more wrong with them than with you.

Let's answer the question : Is there really “negative” emotions? Positive or negative emotions do not exist. Any kind of emotion is completely neutral. It is people who gave them this positive and negative nuances. Feeling bad, for example, is not a bad or a good emotion. It is just an emotion and you decide what its impact on you will be. You decide if you will go into depression or you will let go and move to something else.

In our society there are many things that make people feel like they are not good enough, that their life is not happy and successful enough. We see “happy” people everywhere – on Instagram, on Facebook, everywhere on the Internet. Everybody is living the best life ever. And we feel bad, staying at home and scrolling the pictures thinking that our life sucks. We also tend to think that because all these people on the pictures look so happy (often in bikini smiling from an exotic island) and you eat pizza on your old couch, something is wrong with you and your life and you have to fix it immediately.

So often, when people think that they have to fix theirs feelings or emotions, they start doing stupid things believing that this is the ultimate cure and the magic pill for a long happy life. People think that by doing things that make other people happy, they will feel happy as well. Of course, if you start going to the gym, eating healthy, traveling, going out etc. your life will get better! But you also should find your own thing – this thing that gives you butterflies in your stomach and makes you feel alive.

So, as you see, I really don't like when people do something without knowing why they are doing it and this is also the reason why I think that feeling bad could be a good thing. You just have to ask yourself a couple of questions and you will see it yourself. I am all about conscious thinking and acting! So, let's stop listening to this bullshit that we have to be happy every single day, always and if we are not, something is wrong with us. Of course, happiness is everybody's goal in life, but let's be real and accept that sometimes life sucks and we really want to cry it out. And this is completely normal, human and beautiful. We are not robots, we are people and sometimes we are weak, sometimes we are strong, but always we are imperfect beautiful creatures (you can read my article on this topic here: Be smart and stop trying to be perfect). Now, stop panicking because you are feeling sad and see how you can transform these feelings into a great power.

Do not be ashamed of your feelings.

Do not ignore your feelings! We are all humans and we all “feel” – bad feelings, good feelings, stupid feelings... whatever word you choose to describe them, they are real and you have them. They are the inner voice that guides you and tell you if something is right or wrong. If you feel sad or angry, do not be ashamed of that. People often think that this makes you look weak and you loose control, but I can assure you that being vulnerable is the greatest power. Do not be ashamed of your vulnerability!

Feeling bad is normal. Everybody feels that way from time to time, even the happiest people in the world. Instead of feeling bad and judge yourself because you feel sad, depressed or whatever, try to accept it and to look at it from as neutral position as you can and try to answer these questions – how do you feel? Why do you feel this way? What exactly did border you? Why? Did someone tell you something? Is this person important to you? Why? By answering in a brutally honest way these questions, you can understand your feeling and by understanding it, you start working on the transformational process of making it a strength. When I say that you have to be brutally honest with yourself, I really mean it. There is no point in fooling yourself and telling yourself things that are not true. Accept the truth, even if it is ugly and scary, and try to figure out a way to change it in the future.

You can not change the reality.

Normally, people feel bad because something happened. It can be everything and not necessarily a big tragedy. Sometimes we feel bad because of small stupid things. Whatever the reason for you to feel bad is, one thing is sure, you can not change the reality! What happened, it happened. Done. You can not change what someone told you or what you did or said. These are things that don't change, they have already happened – so accept them! This is the only thing you can do. Accept what happened and do not try to change it, because you can not. If you try, you will get even more frustrated. The only thing you can change, is your perception of the situation – you can either take it as a curse, either as a blessing in disguise. I prefer the second one.

It is pointless to think what would have probably happened if you did this or that because you did not and this is how it is. So, stop wasting your time on this kind of thoughts and move to the reality. Face it! Often it can be scary, even terrifying, but you have to do it. This is the only way to move on and potentially have a better future.

Take your time.

When it comes to feelings, I always suggest to take your time and grieve as long as you think it is good for you. Do not rush that process! Cry, scream, punch something, run, listen to sad songs, eat ice-cream... take your time! Sometimes going out and meeting people can be a good thing to do. You will forget about what happened. But sometimes, it's better to stay alone for a while and take care of yourself. Me personally, if I don't feel like going out and talking to people, I just don't do it. It is better for me and it is better for my friends. I don't want to be this grumpy girl feeling even sadder because now my friends enjoy less their evening because of my sadness. But as I said, sometimes, it can also be a great thing to do – meeting people, talking to someone new and forgetting for a while about your problems. Listen to your gut and do what it feels right.

Ask yourself what you really need, not what people tell you you should do to feel good again. For me, I need some alone time before going out again and being my best self. Other people want to have company all the time when feeling blue, others need to do something exciting so they could feel alive again... everybody knows what is best for them. So, listen to your inner voice! It won't disappoint you.

What good can come out of this?

This is a difficult part. When you still suffer it is almost impossible to see what positive can come out of a negative situation. From personal experience, I know that every time something “bad” happened to me, afterwords I realize it was the best possible thing that could have ever happened. So even now it is impossible to see the positive outcome, know that something great is on its way to you. This could be your motivation, your light in the end of the tunnel, it is true and it always works. People say for a reason the cliché that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It is true. You will get out of this life phase a better person and a more mindful human being.

You will also learn how to master your mind and feelings. We learn a lot from bad experiences, especially about ourselves. We see parts of our character that we don't really want to see or we don't really want to admit that we have. But they are now showing up and we have to deal with them. Well, what a better way to do that than trying to understand them. They are a part of you and this is an important step to take if you want to have a better future. You are working on yourself and on how to build a life that you really love. Try to find the positive outcome of the bad situation. There is always one. So, do not be desperate. Everything is going to be fine. It is going to be even better than before!

Do not avoid bad feelings / emotions.

Another very important part is that people often tend to avoid everything bad or negative – situations, people, feelings, emotions. Well, sometimes you can really stay away from them, but sometimes it is very important to face what is bordering you. Otherwise, it will always be there, looking for you and trying to find a way to catch you. So better be strong and face the problem.

I believe that it is very very important to acknowledge the bad feelings that we have and to not avoid them or hide from them. Avoiding a problem is not solving the problem, it is just delaying it. The more we delay, the worse. Often when we experienced something bad and we still keep bad feelings for a person or towards the situation itself, we reproduce the same problems and situations again and again. This becomes a vicious circle. We often ask ourselves why we always get the same negative or unwanted outcome and it is because we repeat the same mistakes. It is better to deal with what feels bad, to understand why it feels that way (often problems from the childhood, big ego, parents' example) and then, to let go. It is liberating, it makes you breath again, it makes you see that it is not the world going against you, but you going against yourself.

Forgive, do not forget.

Many people confuse forgiving with forgetting. These are two completely different things. You don't have to forget in terms to forgive. If you think about it, it sounds crazy – how can I forget an episode of my life that was so difficult for me? I can not! And I do not have to do it. It is far better to remember the difficult times and to make them a reminder for you that you are a strong person who can deal with every challenge in life, that you have grown up and now you know more about life and yourself.

We forgive not because of the other person but because of ourselves. Because it is liberating and it allows us to move forward and not be stuck in the mud. So, forgive and let go! This is the only way to continue your life in peace with yourself being able to create a brighter future.

It is really pointless having negative thoughts about people or situations. It does not lead to anything good. It makes you feel even more angry, sadder and desperate. Accept the reality and try to move to something else, leave the bad memories in the past.

Of course, forgiveness is not an easy thing to do. Especially, when we have been trough a big personal drama like loosing our job or our house, a divorce, a big argument with a loved one etc. Just try to remember that people sometimes do things that hurt us because they are hurt as well. They say bad things about us because they don't like themselves. If someone hurt you, it is more their problem than yours. It is difficult to accept it sometimes, but everything happens for a reason and what is happening right now it is not the end of the world even though maybe it feels like that. It is not the end because you are still here and there is a reason for this as well and the reason is that you are strong enough to go trough the issues you are dealing with right now.

The art of letting go.

What does it mean to let go? It seems easy, but is it? To know how to let go of something is a real art. Personally, I think it is maybe one of the most difficult and useful things one can learn in life. Letting go is related to forgiveness. I don't think we can forgive without letting go.

Letting go for me is the moment you are in a complete peace with yourself. You fully accept the situation that was troubling you. You can see it from a completely new and neutral angle and say “Ok, this is what happened. And I accept it. I am ok with that, I suffered enough and now I can move on”. You can not move forward without letting go before. It is just not possible.

So, how do you learn to let go? I am not sure that there is a magic formula to that. From my personal experience, I know that I was feeling the liberation of “letting go” when I was done with suffering, crying, asking myself “why did that happen and what could I have done to change it”. At some point, you just feel tired of all these useless questions that make your pain even bigger. You want to be happy again and you feel that the right time has come. The right time to rise and shine again. You just have to understand that life goes on and so do you.

At the end, you come back better than before.

Difficulties are the best teachers in life. You learn a lot about yourself, but also about the people around you (who are the people you can really trust and who are the ones you can not) and about life. Life is a real roller-coaster, you know. Sometimes it sucks, it is painful and you don't even want to live it anymore, but sometimes it is also great, amazing and a real miracle. All together is a wonderful life. Difficulties come and go like everything else – happiness, sadness, people, money. Everything is changing, everything is moving. The same applies to life as well. Nothing is constant and this is the beauty of it.

All these challenging moments in life make us realize how grateful we have to be for the moments of joy that we have once in a while, that we are not alone and there is always someone happy to help us (it could be a family member, a friend, someone that we don't even know... there is always someone out there to give us a hand). These painful times in life make you grow as a person – now you see how strong you are. Do not be afraid to face your fears! This is the only way to overcome them. And do not forget that everything is in your mind! It is you who decides what the impact of a situation will be on you. We will always have difficult times in life. Always. No matter how happy we are, how successful we are – challenges are a part of life. They make us grow and become better versions of ourselves. So, do not be scared of those times, they will give theirs fruits later on.

So, as you can see, feeling bad and going trough difficulties is not a bad thing. It is actually a good thing. It is a great possibility to learn how to master your mind and your emotions, how to accept the reality and not be ashamed of how you feel. It allows you to learn how to forgive and let go of something which is no longer a good thing for you. It makes you grow as a person and develop your emotional intelligence. Do the inner work first and then look for outside outcomes! Do not be afraid of those bad things happening to you, they are completely normal and one day you will understand that because of them you have learned so much and you became even more amazing than you were before. Love, Elena