Be smart and stop trying to be perfect

Photo by Matthias Heil on Unsplash

In my first post What does "authentic"mean? I talked a little bit about perfection and how is not possible to achieve it and you just have to let go of this insane idea. Why? Keep reading!

Let me first tell you my story and how I learned to embrace and bless my imperfections.

When I was younger, I was trying really really hard to be perfect in everything I was doing. I had to be the perfect student, the perfect girl, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister (no, not this one, I still love teasing my sister), the perfect grand-daughter, you name it. And for some time I was almost there, I was almost achieving the perfection, in my opinion. I say “almost” because we never actually do, it is always “almost”. And maybe you think that I was happy about that, about being “almost perfect”. Well, I was more exhausted then happy. I was so hard on myself every time I was not perfect, every time I was “not good enough'', every time I thought I could do better. I was living my days worrying about not being on the highest level, worrying that some other people are better than me and that I have to try harder so I could achieve their level... oh wait! no! Their level is not good enough anymore, it has to be even higher. Well, actually I had to be “the best”. Now I realize how selfish this was.

Focus on what is positive.

Why do I say that this is selfish? Well, if you think about people who are perfectionist, they are never satisfied with what they have done, even if it is great. These are people who deep inside are very insecure and scared about who they truly are. Perfectionists tend to be always focused on what is wrong and not on what is right. They look for the things they think they screwed up. As I said, they “look for them”, they want to find them. This is a very conscious process.  

Do not seek for approval.

So where is the selfishness? The big ego part is that perfectionists are very self-centered. They think too much about people's opinion. How people will say that their work is great, how they are awesome, how their house is perfect – the furniture, the colors of the walls... everything. The real truth is that all this means that they are constantly seeking for people's approval.

Cherish the baby-steps.

Perfectionists also think always that something must be fixed. This is very sad because they are often completely incapable to cherish the simple moments of joy, the small victories, the baby-steps. They always tend to think that this is just not enough. Baby-steps... hell no! I want big gorilla steps immediately! Well, often life does not work this way.

Stop comparing to others.

The other thing about perfectionists is that they always compare to other people. And this is a huge problem. You can very easily go into depression if you constantly look at other people's work and compare to them. You will always find someone who is better then you. This is the brutal reality. You are not “the best” and you have stop thinking and focusing on that. Focus on the fact that you are a unique authentic person and this is what makes you different from the others. Look at yourself and not at other people. Love your work, love yourself and be grateful that you even had the chance to do what you have done. Love it because it is yours, because you did it!

The hard truth.

Back to my story, it did not take a long time until I understood that I was not the smartest and I will never be, I was not the funniest, not the most pretty, that not everybody is supposed to like me (this was a hard one!), that even if I am trying to give my best, for someone is always going to be “not good enough”, that I can not change what people think and that I am not going to be “the best”. All these revealings were so devastating to me so I got really depressed, for a very long time. My ego crashed and it became so small, so tiny that I thought it had completely disappeared. I started thinking that I sucked and that it was completely ridiculous of me thinking that I could be perfect. It is really hard to understand that you are just a simple human being with pains, insecurities, weaknesses and fears like everybody else.

Yes, that is right! Like everybody else. And actually these pains, insecurities, weaknesses and fears make us stronger and real, authentic, even great. By that time I couldn't realize that. It did not make sens. It is controversial. Your weakness can not make you stronger. Could it? Yes, it could! How?

Change your perspective.

By accepting it and transforming it into a great power. And so, this is what I did. I just accepted the things as they were – I am not the smartest, not the most pretty, not the funniest, not the most intelligent, not whatever. But I am me and there is no one else like me on this world. I am one and I am unique. And so are you.

Did I have a choice when I decided to accept my imperfections and that even if I work really hard, my work will never be perfect? Yes, I did. We always have a choice. I could have chosen to continue living with the insane idea of perfection. But I chose myself as I am, instead. You can not change something which is not possible to change. The only person you can change is yourself, the only vision you can change is yours, the only opinion you can change is yours and you don’t have to bother about others' opinions. Everybody has the right to have an opinion even if you don't like it. This is just the way it is. It is not in your business. Your life is your business.

Do you have to give up?

You will never be perfect but that does not mean that you can not get better. You can and this is what you have to do. Work more, exercise more, do the best you can do and do not be hard on yourself if you don't get the best result. Because you do get the best result. The best result for you. Knowing that you did everything you could and then just letting go of the expectations, is so liberating. It allows you to breath again. Trying to do the best you could is amazing! And we always have to do it, we always have to go “all in”.

And do not forget that we are humans and we make mistakes. If we don’t make mistakes, we don’t learn. If we don’t learn, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we die (maybe not physically but on a mental and on an emotional level, for sure)! Simple!

Shake it off!

Have you ever asked yourself why people love kids? Because they are fun, they are doing “silly” “childish” things, they are honest, they are joyful, they are not scared of singing or dancing on the street and we find this adorable. They are real, authentic. Unfortunately, adults think too much. So stop thinking too much and shake it off! We all like seeing real people, who are not perfect, who make mistakes or fully enjoy their life with no regrets even if others call them weirdoos. That reminds us that we are not the only ones not being perfect (yes, it's again a bit selfish).

Be vulnerable.

This is also why when someone is telling us about their difficult past, we like it. We don’t like it because we are happy this person has suffered, we like it because this person is being honest. And this is how we build a connection, a real authentic connection. Saying out loud that you too have bad days, that you suck at something, that you failed at some point in your life, make you being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is the most powerful thing in the world!

I remember when I was a child, I was so scared of asking questions to my teachers because I didn't want them to know that I don't understand or I don't know something. So I preferred to go back home and struggle alone in my room to understand what I couldn't at school and spend hours and hours, instead of just asking. Now I realize how ridiculous this is. I spent so much precious time. I still see people who are afraid to ask a question, I am still afraid sometimes to ask a question because I think that maybe it is a stupid one and everybody is going to laugh at me. Well, there are no stupid questions. Do not pretend to know when you don't because this is actually what makes you look stupid. It is far better and smarter to ask. Nobody knows everything and in fact, the more you know, you less you know.

It's funny, but showing your weaknesses is your biggest strength. Why is that? It's because you accept it as it is and you know that even if you have bad days, you suck at something and you failed once or twice or a million times, you can get over it, you are strong enough and you will find a way to go out of the woods. And you evolve, you grow and it's beautiful, it is, not almost, but simply perfect! Don't be too hard on yourself, “life is too short to be taken too seriously”. Love, Elena