The one thing we all must learn in life.

Photo by Ramdan Authentic on Unsplash

The one thing we should all learn in life is how to forgive. I imagine you all know that forgiveness is not an easy thing. It is a god damn struggle. But a necessary struggle.

For centuries people try to understand the hidden meaning of forgiveness. Often, we relate forgiveness to some sort of religious connotations but for me its meaning is more spiritual than religious. However, all the sacred books like the Bible for example, say that we have to forgive, that everybody deserves forgiveness. So, why is it so important? Is it always possible to forgive? Sometimes, people have experienced terrible things and they can not just “forgive” and move on with their life. It is too difficult. Even impossible maybe.

In real daily life, we rarely speak about forgiving others. We are so caught up in our own issues, in all this negativity around us, in the world of power and money, of beautiful illusions about happiness and fulfillment that we forget the real power of forgiving another human being, of forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, we can even feel good, in a very twisted way, about not forgiving someone for something. It gives us the feeling of having some sort of power over our relationship. Of course, this is nothing else but our ego holding us back.

The major reason of not being able to forgive is the ego and the desire to punish those who made us suffer, to make them pay for what they did to us. “You made me feel so bad, I could never forget this and I will never forgive you” actually means “I suffered a lot and I want you to suffer as I did. I am punishing you”. This is not actually our true voice. This is our inner child who is screaming for love and acceptance but in synchrony with our ego. And this team could be very destructive for us and our life. It doesn't help us. It doesn't serve us.

This is why, I truly believe that we should all learn how to forgive. It will make our life easier, happier and more meaningful. It is all a question of mindset and adopting a new philosophy of life. It is also a hard work on ourselves. But isn't this the meaning of everything? Of life? Learning, growing, evolving and expanding our capacities to handle stress and difficulties in order to become stronger, smarter, wiser, bolder... in peace with ourselves and with the world around us. For me, this is what we call a life-purpose. It is not finding your passion, changing the world, having a family. These are all important ingredients of happiness and fulfillment but they should not be our life-purpose.

So, forgiving. How do we do that?

The first step to take is to accept the reality as it is.

What happened happened. Done. You can not change it. I know that sometimes terrible things happen to people. We ask ourselves the questions “Why me? What have I done to deserve that?” The harsh truth is that even if we ask these questions, even if we find some answers, we can not change the reality. We have to accept it. It is difficult to accept the cruelty of people, of life, but we don't have other choice. The only option we have is to change our mindset and our perception about what is happening to us. This is the only way we can change our reality. This is how we can have power over our life. There is no other way around.

People often say that everything happens for a reason. And this is true!

From my personal experience until now, I can definitely agree with this statement. Sometimes, we need time to understand the real reason behind a particular event, but there is always one. Often, bad things happen for good. This is a painful way for life to shake us up, to wake us up from a delusional state of mind, to tell us that we need to change something in our reality. This is why change is so difficult and painful. Growth is not easy. It sucks. It makes us cry, scream, question everything, destroy and rebuild. And when we rebuild something new from something old, it is marvelous. Only, at this moment we realize that all the pain and all the suffering have worth it. That it was not for nothing. That in life nothing is steady. Everything is changing every single moment. And we need to learn how to adapt to this constant change.

Forgiveness is a huge step out of our comfort zone. And you see that only by going out from what feels comfortable. This is our path to evolving and going further to something bigger and more meaningful.

Often, people ask me how I can still be good to people who hurt me in the past. I don't know if I am good to them, but one thing is sure, I don't want to be trapped in negative thoughts and hatred about a person or a situation. People hurt us because they have been hurt themselves. They don't know another way to show their suffering. They don't know how to tell the world that they are unhappy, miserable, desperate. Is hurting others a good way to express our emotions and personal struggles? Hell, no! But the thing is that when we are in a dark place of our life, we can not see clear. We don't trust people. We think that everything is bad. That everything and everyone are against us. I don't want by any means to find excuses to people who do “bad stuff” to others, but if we take the examples of killers, rapists, violent people, manipulators, they have all experienced difficult moments in their early life. Theirs parents were violent with them, they were absent, they were torturing them, abusing them mentally and/or physically etc. These are things that can completely destroy a human being. Often, people who hurt other people do it because this is the only thing they have known their entire life – suffering, blame, negativity, darkness, manipulations, cheating, mistrust. These are not excuses to bad actions, this is a way to understand why some people do some things. Sometimes, it is not even personal.

Holding on to something negative is destructive.

I don't see the point in having bad feelings or thoughts about another human being. It is useless. It holds us back to the past. It makes us always go back to what happened. But could a negative thought make us feel good? It can not. How could going back to the past and overthinking it could make us move on? It can not. Only forgiveness could make us feel better and give us the courage to move on to something else, to continue living, to start looking for happiness again. Because it is possible even after terrible events to find happiness, love, joy and peace. And they are even stronger than before.

Forgiveness is taking responsibility for our own life.

It takes courage to forgive. This is how we show love for ourselves. It takes trust in our own capacities to overcome bad situations.

Forgiveness is a self-care ritual which starts by first, forgiving ourselves and then, all the other people in our life.

In forgiveness blame does not exist. People love blaming others for theirs problems. Of course, we all start by our parents. And even though our parents are responsible for many of our adult wounds on which we need to work our entire life, we can not passively aggressively blame them for that. It is our life. It is our responsibility to get our shit together. Blaming others for what goes wrong in our life is a coward's move. People who don't know how to forgive or don't want to forgive, are not only living in negativity, but also in a constant blame. It is easier to live this way. It is easier to be a victim. But a victim will never be a hero. Victims are weak, scared, passive... We are so much more than that.

The only way to move on and to achieve something constructive in our life is by forgiving and turning on the page.

Forgiving is not making you forget what happened.

Do not confuse forgiving and forgetting. You can forgive but you will never forget. It is normal. We don't forget big events in our life, good nor bad. Forgiveness will not change the past but it will change the future. This is why you have to accept it. At some point, even if what you have experienced is terrible and traumatized you, you need to know that one event or series of events don't determine your life and your future. Only you have the power on what will happen next. Only you can change your reality. You don't have power on the past but you have on the future. Use it. Do not be scared! Do not be a victim! Be responsible for your life and build a brighter future, a brighter you.

Take care of yourself because nobody else will do it. First, forget yourself. Stop blaming yourself. Then, do the same with the people in your life.

Forgiveness is liberating.

It makes us feel better about ourselves, stronger, wiser, bolder. It gives us the feeling of freedom. We are not victims of the past anymore. We are the warriors of the future. Our future. The one we are responsible for. The one we can build and rebuild depending on what is important to us right now. Forgiveness is tough. But what is easy in life? Being negative is easy. Being pessimist is easy. Being lazy is easy. Being irresponsible and selfish is easy. Good things are difficult. It is difficult to forgive. It is difficult to be positive in a cruel world. It is difficult to understand when all we want is to judge. It is difficult to give love in a world of money. It is difficult to think about others when they only think about themselves. It is difficult to be nice to people who are mean to us. It is difficult to learn. It is difficult to grow. But does it mean that we don't have to try? Does it mean that we have to do what is easy? I think, you know the answer. Love, Elena